Man's grandfather has medical emergency and he informs his girlfriend, only for her to complain about his family members' failure to reach out to her too: ‘She seems more concerned about the optics of her concern’

Author image for Lana DeGaetano
Lana DeGaetano • "Show me to me please."
Oct 22, 2025 4:00 PM EDT

Medical emergencies are sprung on us at any given moment, even when we feel the least ready for them. That's why it's important to surround yourself with supportive people who know exactly how to help be a pillar of strength when you're going through tough times.

Usually, that person is a romantic partner/signficant other. If you're in a relationship with someone long enough, you know that there's a specific time to put your pride, grievances, and ongoing events aside so you can lend them a helping hand in their moment of need. That feeling of wanting to help, most of the time, is innate.

In the story below, a man informs his girlfriend about his grandfather's medical emergency the day that it happened. Instead of offering him support, his girlfriend decides to complain about how none of his other family members reached out to her, and how that means they do not think about her in moments of crisis. If there's one thing that's glaringly obvious here, it's that someone has a major ego problem. Scroll below to continue reading the story.

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  • eldery man lying down in a hospital bed surrounded by family and loved ones
    via Curated Lifestyle For Unsplash+

    Image is representative only and does not depict the actual subjects of the story.

  • In most relationships, all that matters in moments of hardship is how you can alleviate the grief of your partner, who has, at some point, done the same for you. When our partners fail to give us this support and instead make our grief about them, that's when you know you might not be in a relationship with the right person. A loved one's responses to uncomfortable, grueling situations says a lot about their priorities and how they show up for the ones they claim to care for.

    When the man here calls his girlfriend on their lunch break, he informs her about his grandfather's stroke. Intitially expecting at least a “I'm so sorry” from his girlfriend, the man was met with dissonance and anger. How does one reconcile with their partner failing to respond to their grief effectively? Can one reconcile with this at all?

  • "AITA for not making my girlfriend feel included in family emergency?"

    Using a throwaway because my girlfriend knows my main account. Yesterday just before lunch my mom texted me and told me that my grandfather had been taken to the hospital.
    via BusyGoose8478
  • This morning I found out he's going to be okay. He fell and had a mini stroke.
    via BusyGoose8478
  • They're monitoring but he'll probably be released in a few days. Anyway, my girlfriend and I both work from home.
    via BusyGoose8478
  • Every day at lunch we call each other and go for a walk around our respective neighborhoods.
    via BusyGoose8478
  • When she called I told her what happened and all that I knew was that he was in the hospital.
    via BusyGoose8478
  • Didn't know much more than that. I was obviously upset because | didn't know how serious it was.
    via BusyGoose8478
  • After me telling her and asking if that's all I knew, her response kind of caught me off guard.
    via BusyGoose8478
  • She didn't ask if I was okay, or how I was feeling. Her main concern was that nobody from my family texted her to let her know.
    via BusyGoose8478
  • We've been seeing each other for about a year and a half and, I know she's struggled quite a bit with trauma from her childhood.
    via BusyGoose8478
  • My family have been very welcoming of her, and have had a good relationship with her.
    via BusyGoose8478
  • I reassured her that nobody is angry with her, they just texted me because they're at the hospital and don't really have much time.
    via BusyGoose8478
  • I know she struggles a lot with abandonment and feeling rejected. I felt like as much I support her through her struggles, the moment I needed support from her, it's still all about her feelings.
    via BusyGoose8478
  • But then I feel selfish for feeling that because I know how upset she was for feeling left out.
    via BusyGoose8478
  • upset woman on the phone with her significant other
    via Getty Images For Unsplash+

    Image is representative only and does not depict the actual subjects of the story.

  • After work, she came over to my place and I cooked dinner for us. She was still upset about not being told about my grandfather.
    via BusyGoose8478
  • So she asked me to text my mom to say to keep us posted. I guess because I was both physically and emotionally exhausted from all of this, I texted "keep me posted" instead of "us".
    via BusyGoose8478
  • Now she's very angry at me because I didn't include her in the text and she's angry that it now looks like she doesn't care about my grandfather.
    via BusyGoose8478
  • I know my family knows she cares, but she seems more concerned about the optics of her concern than actually being concerned about my grandfather.
    via BusyGoose8478
  • I guess I'm just feeling confused about the whole thing. The reason I might be the asshole is because I didn't include her in the text to keep us posted and it further makes her seem like she doesn't care about my grandfather.
    via BusyGoose8478
  • Also, I might be selfish in feeling angry that I've been there for her, and can't count on her for support.
    via BusyGoose8478
  • Edit: to clarify, we don't live in the same city as my family. We live about 2 and a half hours away.
    via BusyGoose8478
  • Maleficent_Web_6034 NTA She's making your grandfather's emergency all about her. This is insane behavior. It's so self centered. This is a pretty big red flag you should treat it as such. Expecting your family to think about texting some girlfriend, even if they love her, about an ongoing family medical emergency is so fucking egotistical I can't even convey my disgust in this post. You don't live together, you aren't engaged, she is way out of line.
    via Maleficent_Web_6034
  • ReadMeDrMemory NTA. "She was still upset about not being told about my grandfather." She was told: you told her. Giving you crap for "Keep me posted" vs. "Keep us posted"? She sounds fatiguing. You are totally right about optics. She talks as if this is about her concern for your grandfather, but those concerns should surely be met by your being informed and keeping her in the loop. She's focused on displaying her concern to your family. Ugh.
    via ReadMeDrMemory
  • CaRiSsA504 Exactly, the flow-down should be OP telling his gf the news. Which he did, and as this wasn't a high enough level of emergency to take the day off work, telling her at lunch time sounds acceptable. GF should try texting OP's mom herself with something like, "OP just told me about your dad, sending prayers your way. Let me know if you need anything!" She'd have a better chance of being considered "family" if she did a little bit of effort like that
    via CaRiSsA504
  • AskAChinchilla Uhh it wouldn't even occur to me to text my son's gf about something like this. I'd assume he'd be keeping her informed if necessary. Nta
    via AskAChinchilla

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